Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Torn

So I have two versions of me....
There is the me that I see finishing school, living the day to day life, to have a routine, continuing with my art...

...But then there is the me that thinks that I am not meant for that. 
At all. 
That I would be better off doing good out in the world.  Traveling country to country...no agenda, no plans...but just living in the moment.  Helping and bettering the world one project at a time.  Actually seeing the world...instead of just reading about it.  I want to fully immerse into new cultures and experiences.
Most days I waffle back and forth between these two extremes.  Sometimes I think "Yes, I can finish school and figure out exactly what I want to do with my art.  Get a place and fill it with things that are important to me."  There are somedays I want nothing more than my own eclecticly decorated place, a bike and to do art, photography and make cupcakes!
...But then I think about being in one place and it kinda drives me crazy.  I mean I've always had the propensity to move on to some new job, some new project very quickly.  I get bored easily. Sometimes I will start a project just to see if I can do it...then move on to something else or tackle learning another new skill... hence, not being able to settle on a major, or a type of job, or art medium or style...
...Then I think of all the things I would need to have finished or learn before I can live in the world...I mean I only speak English, only know a few words or phrases in other languages. I am a picky eater. I am not in shape or athletic. Would I be able to live out of a bag...not knowing where I'll be staying or if I will have funds to keep traveling? Having knowledge of other countries laws and regulations... It would be just like me to get in trouble in a foreign country and then not be able to speak or understand what is going on?! Terrifying.
I feel like in order for me to be able to keep evolving and truly be happy and productive individual I need to keep moving...which to me is not settling into a place and job or career.  It's being in motion...traveling, helping others. 
I have recently tried to figure out how I could blend these two together...so that I don't have to be one extreme or another...a happy medium.  To have a base to come home to after traveling.  Or to have the settled life but with a lot of traveling thrown in. 
So far I have all these lists of places to go and things to do but am afraid unless I just set off and stay in motion I will continue to miss out on what there is to see out in the world.  That the longer I stay here the more likely I will be to never get anywhere...
So there it is.  The internal battle I struggle with many times a day.  What to do?! Le sigh.  

3 comments:

Chloe said...

Yay! You blogged some feelings! :) I like it. I know how you feel though. Sometimes it just feels like no matter what we are doing, we want to or think about doing the other thing. I think traveling would be super duper awesome.. I could totally see you doing that. Just as long as you kept in contact with your crazy friend Chloe..:)

Staci T said...

You are a dreamer, Lee, and that is what makes you so fun to be around. You help others all the time by showing them new things and new places. I wish you could see what we all see. This amazing beauty with a heart as big as can be. You just explained perfectly what you already are. Well done. Love ya!

Melissa said...

Stop reading my mind, girly!

I've been going through these exact thought processes for a long time, now. Every single time I think I've decided what I want to do my brain comes up with some new angle that I overthink.

There are days when immortality sounds like a really fantastic idea. Not in a cheesy Vampire flick way. Simply so as not to run the human carousel of being so overwhelmed by the possibilities that we worry about the time we have to complete them and what should be done first and end up agonizing ourselves into standing completely still and doing nothing.

That's what happens to me, also.